Today, my 46th birthday, is a day I have feared for
the last thirty-one years. As a rule,
birthdays don’t bother me. I’m not
afraid of getting older, or of all the flaws that seemingly come with that… no
I am not as skinny as I was at 15, my hair is no longer naturally one color,
and driving in the dark without glasses is now totally impossible. However, so much amazingness has come with
age… a degree, a beautiful family, a beautiful home, a job that I love, an
understanding of a God that loves me beyond reason, and a place to grow roots. For these things and so much more, age has
been a blessing beyond any words I can put down on paper.
Yet, there is such a burden in my heart about this day…
simply understood, but complex in explanation.
Thirty-one years ago, my Dad was also 46… a beautiful family, a
successful officer, a lovely home, and the realization that with the love of my
Mom, this was the life dreams were made of and he was living it. I often wonder if how I remember it is how he
saw it. Did he recognize the blessings
of every day and how fortunate he was to be living them? Was he embracing the
grace of God in those years for the blessing they were, as I can see them now. In my reflection and knowing the man that my
father was, he felt a great deal, but I always wonder. If he knew, at 46, he would be leaving this
all behind, would he hold it tighter, would he do it differently, would he say
the words that needed to be said?
I remember that day, and the weeks that followed, like they
were simply a breath ago; the ringing of the doorbell, men in uniform, and
total and utter fear. In a flash of
time, a single moment, life as we knew it was gone. This man, my father, he was the foundation of
my security. And without a warning, he was
not... and it was terrifying. Words cannot
explain the feelings of loss I felt on that day or the days to follow. Your whole life, there are moments, as a
little girl, that are intended for just you and your Dad... and in the blink of
an eye, they had vanished, their potential lost. Through funerals, memorials, flags half mast,
twenty-one-gun salute, taps, and the final plane tipping its wing as it flew
over heard, I felt the life I had slipping away. Even to this day, the number
of people who came, the words spoken, the hugs and prayers from friends, the
loving gestures, and even the simple kiss of a boy…they all stick in my mind
like frozen snapshots on a page.
I think, as I sit here on the first day of this 46th
year, that the loss of my Dad drives so much of who I am. In all that I do, I wonder... is it enough,
would it be enough to carry me on, even if I was gone. More importantly, am I appreciating all that
I have on this earth, all my blessings, in the way that I should? In my heart, I know this fear is irrational. I
know that this day is like any other day, and tomorrow will rush forward into
another twenty-four hours. I know, without any shadow of a doubt, that my life
beyond this world is far greater than anything I can even begin to imagine so my fears are not of what lies ahead, but of rather what is left behind. My vow is this...on this day, I will work to put my
fears aside and simply be reminded that if today were my last day on this earth, and there
were no more days to come, that I should grab it and make tremendous glory from
it. I should make sure that those who most fill my heart, should have
no doubt of my words unspoken. Today is a new day, praise God for each of these!
